Dear Rebels -
I'm friends with a lot of heartbroken people - good people, smart people, but the kind of shit-luck humans who can't pull their lives out of the muck and thrive no matter how hard they try. I'm that way too. I struggle with time management and knowing how long an artwork might take and I put too much pressure on myself to "be normal".
Sometimes I dream of dissecting my life, bullet journalling what food I eat, how tired, or sick, or alive I feel when I wake up in the morning. I fantasize about using pie charts to regulate my time spent on social media and graph how many times I find myself doing something unrelated to the task at hand. Everything goes until I have a gloriously, exhaustive profile of my life.
The reason for this is to find the patterns. There's truth in patterns but it's the kind of truth that's hard to accept - the truth we don't always see because we aren't always looking. Drew Gerald said it best, "Look outside yourself and you will see yourself. Look inside and you will find yourself." And I would like to add that in order to really know yourself, you must sacrifice the illusion that you already do.
What it comes down to is that sometimes I feel like I suck at life like how some people are bad at basketball or are awful cooks, but I am trying to do better. I want all the things I dreamt of when I was a kid. I want to make it so if time travel ever becomes possible, my younger self would lose their shit when they saw just how many cats I have.
The real flex is living a life others don't understand without feeling the need to explain yourself. A human who is okay with being misunderstood is a powerful human.
If you are thinking to yourself, "Yeah great, but what do I do when life flattens me like a fucking beer can?"
To this I reply: Make it a point to love yourself as fiercely as you do other people and remember what Marlon Riggs said, "It is necessary to constantly remind ourselves that we are not an abomination."
Maybe happiness isn't what you believe, but who.
Always,
Breanna aka chaosxanarchy